Learning to Love
by morningglassofOJ
Summary: Just because Remus won't love him doesn't mean he can't love Remus. It just means he can't show it. One-sided Sirius/Remus


Sirius knew he would get in trouble for this, and for once, he actually cared about that. This wouldn't be your average 'clean the entire classroom and apologize to Snivellus' trouble; This was much more serious-pun extremely intentional-and he wasn't entirely sure what would happen if he _was_ caught. This was uncharted territory-unpredictable, treacherous and in-navigable territory.

Sirius Black was in love.

It was horrible and torturous, yet exhilarating knowing that just one person held the key to his happiness and his ruin in the palms of their strong yet delicate hands. Sirius often thought love brought a whole new facet to the concept of adrenaline. It set the blood pumping in his veins and produced butterflies so energetic they threatened to empty his stomach thrice daily. Love was fight or flight with less fight but at the same time not enough flight because a part of you, no matter how insignificant, _wants_ to be caught. Sirius wouldn't let himself want to be caught though, because he didn't want to see what Remus would do if he caught him.

Yes, Remus. His tawny haired, amber eyed classmate who, in spite of turning into an unfortunate beast every full moon, was easily one of the most shy, calm and endearing people he knew. Remus, whose eyes, no matter how exhausted or stressed he seemed to be, would light up like fireflies when he saw a friend-any friend. Remus, more capable of love and forgiveness than anyone so young, yet unable to consider himself worthy of love. For, as the tales he grew up hearing eluded, _who could ever learn to love a beast?_

But he wasn't a beast, everyone else could see this but him. No one who knew the truth ever thought that; Not even Snape, who had only ever seen him at his worst, could stoop to calling him a monster-He wasn't mad at Remus, after all, only Sirius. People were only ever afraid of the stigma of a werewolf, not the lycanthrope themself. But after nine years of experiencing it, all the fear blended together in a formidable concoction of self loathing and isolation. Remus thought he was too loathsome, too frightening, too guilty of too much to ever be loved.

Sirius wasn't afraid of rejection, he was afraid of what it would do to Remus. Remus was so grounded in the loveless reality he had convinced himself of that one single word that contradicted it would send him reeling in disbelief. It was no matter whether he happened to love Sirius back or not. Even if he did, he wouldn't admit it. He wouldn't let Sirius have one inkling of hope for a relationship, because he was too afraid of hurting anyone in any way. He was afraid of making them an outsider like him, of turning them into exactly what he was. More than anything, Sirius knew Remus was afraid of being feared by anyone he let himself love, and that fear would be all Remus would let himself feel around Sirius if he found out.

The light in his eyes when he greeted him would die away more with each day that passed until eventually he just wouldn't greet him at all. He'd gradually grow more and more anxious about causing anyone pain. His grades would drop. His transformations would get worse. Slowly, he'd revert back into the over-shy, distrustful and skittish boy he was when Sirius first met him. A husk of a boy, too afraid to love.

Remus had accepted the love of his friends after four years, but still this was entirely different. Remus refused to love in this way for fear of causing harm, but Sirius could never even begin to picture a setting where Remus would hurt him by loving him.

Yes, it was far better for Remus to never know thank for Sirius to watch as he was slowly eaten alive by ill-placed guilt that he had no business feeling. Sirius knew Remus would never quite settle into the idea of love, and the boy deserved as much comfort as possible, no matter how much pain it cost Sirius. So, for the thousandth time that day, he resolved to never tell Remus how he felt. Because, if he did, the Remus he loved would disappear and be replaced by the broken Remus everyone liked to think he truly was.


End file.
